Sometimes being honest is terrifying. Being honest with yourself and with others. Having to face the truth. Sometimes I thought I could avoid the reality of a situation and it was just go away. But I learned today being honest, as terrifying and painful it is, can be the best. I don’t how things will be after tonight, but whatever happens, I’m sure it’s for the best. and at least I know that I’m no longer holding in the feelings that have been haunting my thoughts the last few weeks. Being truthful and facing the effect is much better than the suffocation by the fear of how things are turning out to be.
another text post. that’s what i should use tumblr for anyways, writing and showing photos of things that i like, and stop trying to make it look pretty and shit. i don’t know what i wanna write about, i just felt like writing. i feel like i have a lot of followers, but i don’t think any of them really know anything about me or even care to ask so whatever i don’t care if i lose them due to my writing or whatever.
ive started working out lately, and it has made me think clearer. my worrying has been reduced. i worry a lot, about anything. i feel like bad things are supposed to happen to me, and that good things may come, but leave quickly. but since ive been biking everyday, my mind has relaxed and i don’t tend to worry, which is great.
im a bit depressed about my friends leaving, i… wish i could go to? i just don’t want to be left behind or people to think i’m some average person or whatever just because i didn’t leave for college. i mean i shouldn’t care what people think but i know i do. and not just that, im really going to miss my friends. luckily my boyfriend is staying here, but the other friends who are staying behind, they are hardly my friends. maybe this means i should start making new friends. im probably just being too negative.
i feel better mentally the last few weeks, especially the last week or so. ive been reading and self reflecting alot and i feel different, i just don’t look different. i just don’t like seeing myself in the mirror, i see myself and i see my depressed freshman year self, and thats just not me anymore. i want to look like what i am feeling, and i don’t. i just need to go shopping, just being skinny makes it so difficult to buy anything. i should probably stop wiritng and just head to bed. im over thinking everything again. i find it better not to think as much , it causes more problems. goodnight anyone reading this.
time for another rant because i honestly don’t write enough on here. there’s a lot on my mind, but i’ve been trying my best to not think about it. i’ve gotten better at ability to focus on the moment, and not worry about the future or past events. i’m really doing my best an expressing my feelings that i truly feel, at least the more positive feelings, and leaving my negative feelings to a journal. i feel like a better person, and i feel like i’m growing. slowly i am leaving those who never really cared for me or haven’t been a great influence on me behind, and i’m starting to realize who are the people i care about the most. i like this feeling of change, it used to scare me because i like comfort, but comfort isn’t exciting, and it isn’t living. the more i push myself to do the things that worry be or scare me, the more “alive” i feel even though that sounds cliche.
i still have a lot to learn and many aspects of myself needs to grow and expand more, but its only the start, and so far ive really enjoyed it. i still need to push the limits of myself and my parents and see how far i can truly go, because im still being held back a lot, and i’m tired of it.
well that’s enough for tonight, i should head to sleep; going hiking tomorrow. night!